Fears, doubts, insecurities, and a spirit of timidity barged in my mind, breaking through my gates of belief, confidence and assurance. Across from where I sit to write, plots of their dirty scams scattered on the table and stare into my soul.
A mental conflict begins. Somehow, false ideas match my current internal struggles. I grasps for what is true. Before the misguided concepts settle in my heart, I compare my thoughts with the words of God. It is then when a ragging war begins. These nagging thoughts make me question my ambition and ability.
Do you have days and nights battling negative thoughts and feelings about yourself?
Well, I do. More often than not.
These ideas and feelings break through my security system, blind siding me, stopping the flow of being creative and the result is, no writing.
They rob me from the confidence which God has placed in me.
Well, you may think, I’m weak, and at times I am, especially when the drama of life has depleted me. Then again, it’s not if I’m weak or strong, it’s the goal which I’ve set before me. It is being hindered.
These negative depleting feelings and thoughts want to reconquer a part of me which I’ve taken from them. Grenades of false accusation explode leaving me fragmented and incoherent.
These mental war are powerful and can be very damaging. With the Lord’s help these wars can be won. But the enemy returns with reinforcements emphasizing past inconsistencies and failures.
Let me stop right here and tell you of a security system which is guarding my mind and heart as I type these words from these predators. It’s the Holy Spirit and the truth of the verse below.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” NIV 2 Timothy 1: 7
Over and over again, I’ve reached within my knowledge and grasp truths much like this verse and fought false beliefs, made out of puffs of smoke. And that’s what they are, nothing. But why do they come? Or why does God allow me to face them again and again?
Well, for me, God is showing me that even though I know the truth and I practice the truth there is still a part of me which believes a lie. It’s like a ticking time bombs which blows up my wall of progress when I’m on a roll.
Believe me, when they go off, they rattle my world. leaving me baffled with ringing in my ears. It takes time to clean up the mess. To be truthful, there are times I can’t pick-up where I left off. Because, the bombing destruction left me incoherent. In time, I start where I find myself and keep going with what was salvageable.
When the verse, 2 Timothy came to my attention, I picked up four concepts from the rumble of my last bombing, timidity, power, love and self-discipline.
Now, why would I have picked up timidity? To study and recognize the enemy’s tactics. It’s a weapon which I’m not aware of its full usage. I need to set my warning lights for the next time these lies come to do war with me.
Timidity – lack in self-assurance, courage, bravery, easily alarmed, timorous, shy
Timorous – full o fear, timid
When the spirit of timidity comes and does war with me, I know to hold up God’s scepter of boldness to demonstrate where my confidence lies. I will rely on this truth again and again and again as I keep the following verses in mind.
“Do not be afraid of him, declares the Lord, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands.” NIV Jeremiah 42:11
“For you did not received a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba Father.”” NIV Romans 8:15
Truths to battle timidity, the Lord is with us, he will save us and delivers us. If we have accepted Jesus, his son, as our savior, then we are children of Abba Father and no longer slaves to fear. I am a daughter of the Most High and I’m a fearless.
Yet, fear will bring its heavy chains with him when he comes to try to imprison me again.
The second things I take a strong hold of is power. Not my power, but God’s power. Yet how does one posses God’s power? God’s power comes with and through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit empowers me with godly wisdom and knowledge. Again, I will rely on the truth of the word of God as I walk away from present insecurities.
“The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him – the spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of Lord -.” NIV Isaias 11:2
“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, who sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize yo with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” NIV Matt. 3:11
Third concept to take a hold of is Love. One fact I know to be true, after the war, whether I am victorious or depleted, love for self and possibly for my Lord has been damaged. It’s difficult to keep on task when one doesn’t feel loved by anyone, God or self.
As any soldier knows, one comes home with flashbacks. For me these flashbacks usually deal with the lack of self-love. Or not feeling as if I’m worthy of the gift God gave me. The gift of story telling.
I must put on love. This love is the love of God for me and for what I have been equipped to do. With love, belief is real and the task before me is possible.
“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” NIV Psalm 23:6
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that yo may be able to discerned what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day or Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” NIV Phil 1:9
I will hold the shield of faith over my heart, for I know who loves me and never will leave me. Therefore, I will finish well.
The hardest one to pick-up and take with me is discipline. Self governing to sit and write is not challenging for me, it’s fun. It is something I enjoy. But duties and people begin to nibble on my thoughts and soon I feel guilty. The desire to write is gone, for I feel I don’t deserve the pleasure it gives me.
To go and write every day, at the same time in spite of circumstance, is naturally challenging, because of our travels. Not only do I deal with the battles I’ve mentions above, but the mental block which come with the field of writing, family emergencies, an abrupt change of schedules. Then theirs the days of sick leave one must take.
Dealing with insecurities, fears, and doubt are redundant battles and not worth my time. Yet, I must deal with the one lie, to get to the ultimate truth. I will face this, fainthearted, which haunts me day and night.
Now, I posses arrows of truth to draw from and fight the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy my zest for writing stories. I tied feathers to my scepter of boldness to remember the truths which has help me be victorious and conquered truths about myself. These feathers will remind me of the past battles which the Lord and I won together. Soon, I will add another feather.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness a peace for those who have been trained by it.” NIV Heb 12:11
“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” NIV Prov. 15:32
Self-discipline is self-governing or self-control, is something I’m responsible for, but the discipline of the Lord come through the Holy Spirit. I must allow God’s Spirit of discipline to train me.
“Since an overseer is entrusted with God’s work, he must be blameless-not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-control, upright, holy and disciplined. he must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.” Titus 1:7-9
Today I move forward in faith, for this battle has been won. I go, my work waits.
I am a fighter, one who doesn’t give up easily. Success is just around the bend and I’m coming to greet the end of my next novel.
I wrote these thoughts for myself as well as anyone else who is struggling to finish what they have started. Keep in mind, the work we do brings glory to God.
Further reading on what hinders the work of God, click Tactics.