Woke-up Apprehensive

Lord, calm my troubled spirit.

Apprehension woke me. Why? I had no clue.

When my spirit sends alarming signals before my brain fully awakes, panic usually follows. Worry sketched out memories of past hurts, disappoints or troubled times. Like a bulging suitcase, those experiences erupted screams in my head, causing a migraine. Before I knew it, they run rampant like rudely, undisciplined children. Past disasters resurrected, wracking my morning with darkness. I didn’t want to face the day.

In a prayer, I sent and SOS to the Lord before worry dresses my heart with apprehension. But panic opened the gate and I began to wonder, what have I forgotten to take care, which child is facing hardships, or will an  old issue poke its head to destroy the peace and joy I have?

I wondered, why was my spirit troubled?

Then I asked the Lord, “What should I have done to prevent this unsettling feeling within me? Would being more watchful over my self instead of others, praying instead of playing, listening instead of photographing nature, time meditating instead of social media?

Something within me said, you should have been more astute. Astute, is not a word I use. I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking. I looked up the word, for I really didn’t know what it ment.

Then I heard, “Prepare yourself for the turbulence that’s coming.”

I asked, ” Lord, is this message from you?”

A confirming feeling came over me. Then, I knew why my soul was troubled.

The unpacked past issues came to mind again. I couldn’t stop them from painting their sketched images and adding a new possible scenario. Once, I sat down to journal the annoying voices were hushed away.

I was thankful, my Lord warned me or else apprehension would have come along and chained me with the heaviness of fear and the cloud of confusion.

A question entered my mind, is this really from God?

I stopped writing, I prayed, if this message is from you Lord, keep me astute, Then I will be watchful and ask you to help me when worry, apprehension, anxiety, confusion and fear crowd to enter my mind and fall into my heart. Please don’t allow me to become crippled by these hindrances and enslave me again.

After my prayer, my room became brighter as if the sky became bluer and the morning sun shined bright into the space I sat. Yet, the light gray blanket of clouds covered the sky and blocked the sun. Then I felt a warmth, much like the sun in summer landing on my back.

I told myself, if God permitted this disturbance to come my way today for my growth. Then I reminded myself of who held me, Jesus, He will protect and guide me as I lived on. Then the Holy Spirit led me to the verse in Philippians 2:13  “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

Today, May 6, I remind myself, trust God’s process, remain faithful and give no room for doubt or fear to reign. As soon as they show their presence, run to Jesus for help.

Fear was a god in my life, who I would obey without me realizing it. I listened and reacted to its triggers. But now those triggers send me to Jesus.

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If You Ever Find My Phone

IF YOU EVER FIND MY PHONE

If you ever find my phone, you will see all the pictures I’ve taken in the past few months.

They will show the beauty, the detail, the moment, the color, the morning, the evening, the sky, the sea, the tree, the leaf, the moose, the bear, the rabbit, the flower, the people with me, all the life around me.

But, it will never show my storms, my waves, my turmoil, my pain, my tears, my sadness, my sleepless nights, those are not the things I chose to focus on.

Yet, those experiences are what move me to take the picture of what is right before me as I hold on for dear life to the purpose of living with hope, by faith and in love.

My life is a well of emotions which helps me to pull from to write, to share, to connect with others and those whom I may not physically touch, yet understand by our similar thoughts, emotions and unspoken circumstances.

We all have wild waves to survive. Maybe even ride out in this very moment. If we do ride our waves out, survive their overwhelming power, they will push us to solid ground.

Then, we can give an encouraging word to the ones still out at sea. Give a hand to the ones that got washed from the sea. Help others walk on the solid ground we are now walking on.

Let’s be compassionate to those around us who are drowning, tumbling, and sinking.

May they sense the hope we have in God; see our faith in our Savior and Lord, Jesus in us; and feel the love of God for humanity through us.

Giving Up or Letting Go?

GIVING UP OR LETTING GO?

Woke up with the phrase, “thoughts can kill you or heal you,” and it wouldn’t leave me alone.

Seeking undestanding, I ask the Lord, “is this a theme for a story or something else?”

As I spent my quiet time, the phrase return and it brought another idea along. Not finding the proper words to put on this feeling, I looked for a photo to help me identify what the Holy Spirit was telling me.

When I saw the leaf, a question formed, “Is the leaf giving up or letting go?”

Knowing how God works and moves me or should I say pushes me to act upon what He sees in me, I knew a reminder was being handed for my mind.

Will I be giving up what has been done in me? Or letting go and accept the change which is in hand?

Many times, I fight thoughts which push me to give up and let the dream die.

It’s a real, true struggle within me!!!

One which produces melancholy even after workouts, walks and being out in nature for hours. Usually God wakes my spirit and soon I get myself moving by doing my duties of laundry and cleaning or paying bills.

My self talk goes something like this, “Lidia, you’re a grown woman, just keep taking steps. How else can you be a witness of what you’ve said you are in Christ?”

Why am telling you this? Because I’m not alone fighting a battle which we’ve been told it’s won. Yet, no relief has come. It diverted and missed us. Well, it feels like it has for what ever reason.

Instead of standing strong against the enemy. I do as he wants, be in the front battle zone fighting for my right to be who God said I am.

For many of us, the war exist in our head more than in our heart.

We struggle with thoughts which are killing us, inside out. Once our will is done with, we have no reason to exist. Meditate on God words, are daily pills, but our thoughts of redemption and healing remain dried up. (Rom. 12:2)

Then the dagger hits home, Hope is for others, not for me.

I shared my reoccurring waking thought with a friend over coffee this morning. I mention that I wasn’t sure if it was for a story. She suggested to write a story about twins, one with the name Ican’t and the other Ican.

After she left, I had my quiet time. It was them when I saw these twins, joined by one heart, in me.

Who will win?

The one who will remain standing strong and walk in the newness of who she has become.

Is it easy? Nope. I will confront that solid steep mountian God told me about.

It will seem unclimbable before me, but with the Lord’s help, I will get to the other side which is labeled, “accomplishement.”

Not sure what you’re struggling and doing battle with today, but be assured you are not alone even though it’s a lonesome road.

Today will you chose with me to dwell and meditate on the Victory which the Lord conquered for us through His resurrection?

Let’s encourage each other today as we stand with the banner of victory on our spear then walk in faith on what has already been done and accomplished in us. (Heb. 3:13)

You maybe on a different road, but we’re facing the same enemy. Let’s keep in mind the enemy is not only finished but CONQUERED! (John 19:30)