Woke-up Apprehensive

Lord, calm my troubled spirit.

Apprehension woke me. Why? I had no clue.

When my spirit sends alarming signals before my brain fully awakes, panic usually follows. Worry sketched out memories of past hurts, disappoints or troubled times. Like a bulging suitcase, those experiences erupted screams in my head, causing a migraine. Before I knew it, they run rampant like rudely, undisciplined children. Past disasters resurrected, wracking my morning with darkness. I didn’t want to face the day.

In a prayer, I sent and SOS to the Lord before worry dresses my heart with apprehension. But panic opened the gate and I began to wonder, what have I forgotten to take care, which child is facing hardships, or will an  old issue poke its head to destroy the peace and joy I have?

I wondered, why was my spirit troubled?

Then I asked the Lord, “What should I have done to prevent this unsettling feeling within me? Would being more watchful over my self instead of others, praying instead of playing, listening instead of photographing nature, time meditating instead of social media?

Something within me said, you should have been more astute. Astute, is not a word I use. I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking. I looked up the word, for I really didn’t know what it ment.

Then I heard, “Prepare yourself for the turbulence that’s coming.”

I asked, ” Lord, is this message from you?”

A confirming feeling came over me. Then, I knew why my soul was troubled.

The unpacked past issues came to mind again. I couldn’t stop them from painting their sketched images and adding a new possible scenario. Once, I sat down to journal the annoying voices were hushed away.

I was thankful, my Lord warned me or else apprehension would have come along and chained me with the heaviness of fear and the cloud of confusion.

A question entered my mind, is this really from God?

I stopped writing, I prayed, if this message is from you Lord, keep me astute, Then I will be watchful and ask you to help me when worry, apprehension, anxiety, confusion and fear crowd to enter my mind and fall into my heart. Please don’t allow me to become crippled by these hindrances and enslave me again.

After my prayer, my room became brighter as if the sky became bluer and the morning sun shined bright into the space I sat. Yet, the light gray blanket of clouds covered the sky and blocked the sun. Then I felt a warmth, much like the sun in summer landing on my back.

I told myself, if God permitted this disturbance to come my way today for my growth. Then I reminded myself of who held me, Jesus, He will protect and guide me as I lived on. Then the Holy Spirit led me to the verse in Philippians 2:13  “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

Today, May 6, I remind myself, trust God’s process, remain faithful and give no room for doubt or fear to reign. As soon as they show their presence, run to Jesus for help.

Fear was a god in my life, who I would obey without me realizing it. I listened and reacted to its triggers. But now those triggers send me to Jesus.

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Until

How many times do I need to tell you . . .?

You’re beautiful!

Until, I am.

 

You’re not over weight!

Until, I am not.

 

You’re able.

Until, I can.

 

You can let go.

Until, I’m safe.

 

You can do this.

Until, I’m accomplished.

 

You’re forgiven.

Until, all my guilt is gone.

 

You can trust me.

Until, I can truly surrender.

 

Father continue to remind us, of all these possibilities, your promises. Every time our insecurities show up, may we run into your arms before lies chisel us into ice sculptures.

As for the lies we have believed, evaporate them at the touch of your hand, at the sound of your truth and at the warmth of your love. Please, remold us to live the life you’ve given us through your Son’s sacrifice. And, when the pest of lies return, which they will, help us come into your presence.

“The Lord is good. He is a safe place to go to in times of trouble. He takes care of those who trust him.”

Nahum 1:7 ERV

Giving Up or Letting Go?

GIVING UP OR LETTING GO?

Woke up with the phrase, “thoughts can kill you or heal you,” and it wouldn’t leave me alone.

Seeking undestanding, I ask the Lord, “is this a theme for a story or something else?”

As I spent my quiet time, the phrase return and it brought another idea along. Not finding the proper words to put on this feeling, I looked for a photo to help me identify what the Holy Spirit was telling me.

When I saw the leaf, a question formed, “Is the leaf giving up or letting go?”

Knowing how God works and moves me or should I say pushes me to act upon what He sees in me, I knew a reminder was being handed for my mind.

Will I be giving up what has been done in me? Or letting go and accept the change which is in hand?

Many times, I fight thoughts which push me to give up and let the dream die.

It’s a real, true struggle within me!!!

One which produces melancholy even after workouts, walks and being out in nature for hours. Usually God wakes my spirit and soon I get myself moving by doing my duties of laundry and cleaning or paying bills.

My self talk goes something like this, “Lidia, you’re a grown woman, just keep taking steps. How else can you be a witness of what you’ve said you are in Christ?”

Why am telling you this? Because I’m not alone fighting a battle which we’ve been told it’s won. Yet, no relief has come. It diverted and missed us. Well, it feels like it has for what ever reason.

Instead of standing strong against the enemy. I do as he wants, be in the front battle zone fighting for my right to be who God said I am.

For many of us, the war exist in our head more than in our heart.

We struggle with thoughts which are killing us, inside out. Once our will is done with, we have no reason to exist. Meditate on God words, are daily pills, but our thoughts of redemption and healing remain dried up. (Rom. 12:2)

Then the dagger hits home, Hope is for others, not for me.

I shared my reoccurring waking thought with a friend over coffee this morning. I mention that I wasn’t sure if it was for a story. She suggested to write a story about twins, one with the name Ican’t and the other Ican.

After she left, I had my quiet time. It was them when I saw these twins, joined by one heart, in me.

Who will win?

The one who will remain standing strong and walk in the newness of who she has become.

Is it easy? Nope. I will confront that solid steep mountian God told me about.

It will seem unclimbable before me, but with the Lord’s help, I will get to the other side which is labeled, “accomplishement.”

Not sure what you’re struggling and doing battle with today, but be assured you are not alone even though it’s a lonesome road.

Today will you chose with me to dwell and meditate on the Victory which the Lord conquered for us through His resurrection?

Let’s encourage each other today as we stand with the banner of victory on our spear then walk in faith on what has already been done and accomplished in us. (Heb. 3:13)

You maybe on a different road, but we’re facing the same enemy. Let’s keep in mind the enemy is not only finished but CONQUERED! (John 19:30)

Pray, Seek, Knock and Find

Troubles? Take Timeouts.

Remember, as children when we got in trouble, we were sent to timeout?

As a parent, I would tell my kids to think about what they did wrong. While the child sat, they would have to stay there until they, themselves, identified their error and understood the correct manner of behavior. Which I had already explain to them, but they had to own their choice and decide to make better choices in the future.

Without knowing why, today, my soul was troubled, I had the urge to go for a drive and have a timeout. Expecting to learn the error of my ways I desired to find a place out in nature to listen to what God had taught me and seem to be trying to remind me. Eagle River, Alaska came to mind. Being a place where bears are cited, I invited a friend and off we went. (We didn’t see any bears, which we were thankful after learning that this was the time for brown bears and grizzlies to be passing through to feed from the salmon runs.)

My friend holding a mold of a grissly bear’s paw. Yikes!

 

Before leaving my place, I took time to read my devotional. As soon as I read the verses, I had the urge to leave, now. Without reading any further, I left with three questions packed in my heart. What should I be asking? What should I be seeking? And where should I be knocking? Eagerly I drove, expecting to hear definite answers from God at some point on the hike but, none came.

For those of you who know the passage, the verses were from Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” They’re familiar verses in the Christian community, but for me this time they had something new to teach me. I just didn’t know exactly what that lesson was, because I hadn’t identify where I stood with God.

Seating and pondering on my day in Eagle River, which I didn’t receive answers or clarity of these verses or my errored ways, I read the rest of the devotional. It reminded me to be persistent in asking and that Jesus doesn’t recommend for us to ask, He commands for us to ask. Now that’s something to think about for my future timeout from my day.

The devotional also said, that asking isn’t quite sufficient from Jesus’ point of view. He wants us to take it up a notch. We should seek out what we need from God and we will find it. Well asking is much less work than seeking, because one doesn’t have to do anything. While seeking takes our effort not just God’s. There are times, I just want the answer without much work on my part.

Do you remember asking your mom for something you know she could easily give you, but she sent you out to find it yourself and then get it on your own? Well I’m wondering if that’s what God was trying to tell me, when I rather for Him to just hand it to me. I still wonder, what is it that I truly want? I sense I must go on to the third question maybe I will receive clarity.

Knocking on the door is the final step. Well the devotional reference that the door is heaven’s door. It also mention that our asking and seeking takes us to the very doorsteps of heaven. Once there, we shouldn’t just stand there and wait, we should knock on the door. Well to tell you the truth, I’ve been afraid to knock on the door. Why? Because of what God has to offer.

What if God gives me my heart desire only to be taken away. Maybe, I don’t want to feel that pain again, so I will not knock, then I keep what I long for in the longing place of my heart. No wonder I felt like a timeout. I needed to see the error of my thinking and correct it with truth. It is better to have had it for a short while than not to have it at all. Besides, who told me that it will be taken again and why bother having it in the first place? Who have I been listening to? Whom have I followed? I’ve listen to the voices of Doubt, Disappointment and Fear.

They misguided me because of the troubles that have come and taken the good things my husband and I have been blessed with in Vancouver. We placed our house on the market and sold within twelve hours. We had to leave quickly that we didn’t have time to say good-bye to our friends. The move-out happened in less than two weeks from our return of our working travels. Our belongings were stuffed in storage and off we flew to Alaska to work again.

Now, we are homeless and have no idea where to plant our life and allow roots to grow. You see, I have lived in almost twenty places in thirty-five years of marriage which includes less than ten city moves and seven states covering from Texas to Maryland to Montana to Washington and now Alaska.

Do you see why I’m shy to knock and ask where should I be seeking residency? At the moment, we’re staying in an Airbnb in Alaska provided by my husband’s work. When he’s not working we’ll be staying with my daughter in Seattle, Washington.

I know once I knock on the door of heaven, it will be open. God will meet me and He will provide the answer. But, will it be the answer I seek? Or will He offer me the answer which is best to produce the fruits that are needed? I also know, that God will hand my husband and I not only what we need but gift us with more, with the purpose of sharing. All things do come from his storehouse and he will place the gifts into our hands for us and for us to share.

I understand. It’s not about finding residency, a house to call home or having a dwelling place. It’s about asking and seeking where does God want us, my husband and I to bear fruit. Like the devotional said, all of our persistent asking, seeking and knocking shows God that we are serious and sincere about our desire to bear fruits like John teaches.

John 15:16  ^“You have not chosen Me, I have chosen you. I have set you apart for the work of bringing in fruit. Your fruit should last. And whatever you ask the Father in My name, He will give it to you.”

Am I ready to ask, seek and knock? I am. I’ve recognize the error of my ways, listening and believing the voices of Doubt, Disappointment and Fear instead of the voice of my Shepard, Jesus himself. I should trust Him with our future, my husbands and mine as a couple and mine as an individual.

Father, In Jesus name I come and ask to show me the way my husband and I should go and where to plant our lives to bear fruit, so that you can feed those who hunger after your precepts and desire to draw closer to you plus, to learn about your Son, the one who saves, died and rose again, Jesus, who conquered our sins, who forgives without our cost. for He paid it all. Thank you for choosing me. In Jesus name I ask, seek and knock. And in His name I wait to find a home to share of what God has in store for my husband and me.

 

 

THE DESIRABLE ROAD AHEAD

Incase, you want to know why I try to post positive and uplifting words and scripture?

Because they are my personal road map to myself.

Otherwise, the negative, put down, and hindering voices make me doubt on where to head. When they come, they not only want to hang around, but navigate my life. Telling me to go back where I came from.

Often, I return to a previous post only to read what I have told myself, slamming the door on the voices of doubt, insecurity, fear and insignificance.

With the Lord’s confidence, I remind myself, I am no longer that small, timid, shrinking back latina girl.

More and more, I voice, “I am bold and courageous and daring. I’m a pillar of fire whom can’t easily be put out.

I know God has gifted me with the ability to express my thoughts and see beauty to photograph.

Through my photography I soar like an eagle as I explore where life takes me. At places where the Lord allows my feet to walk, His Spirit helps me see the beauty around.

I only need to listen and go where the light shines and the wind moves. There, I see what God wants me to see and I can’t wait to share my finds and words here with you.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. God bless each of you.

A Wild Call

🔷️A WILD CALL🔷️
°
Alone
Crippling
Thoughts
Weakens
My will
with fear

Otherwise
I’d be gone
Answering
The Wild call
That my heart
Loudly hears

One step
One jump
One climb
One day
I’ll arrive
But, not alone
°
🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️🔹️

The Dangers of holding Yourself Back

Stifling Dreams Create Nightmares

What talent am I suffocating, because of what if it takes off?

What ability am I quenching, because of what others may think of me?

What inspiration am I killing, because of what if it succeed?

Stifling our creativity harms not only ourselves, but those whom would have benefited from our work.

In a sense, we are not only killing our growth by withholding inspiration from the world around us, but we are keeping ourselves in the darkness of hopelessness.

Breakthroughs from stifle thinking, not only brings dreams alive, but give light for many other souls to hope again through our gifts, talents and works.

Be creative, spread insight, possibilities and imagination.

Allow your dream to take flight.

Where Are You?

Sometimes is not about what is near or far

Or the sky or the ground below

But, about where you are

Funneling yourself to

Look around

Not with your eyes

But with your heart.

What do you see?

Can you paint it?

Draw it?

Sing a song about it?

Maybe write a poem

or a short insert of realism

Now that you’ve seen with your heart

Touch it with your soul

What colors will you paint with?

What grays will make the lines and curves?

What melody will rise and fall?

What mood will the words create?

What truth will you be able to say?

Remember, it’s not always about what

Is near or far, above or below

But where you are presently living

Or have you run and hide

To not be hurt or heard

PLEASE! Return

Come and create

Then, I can

See you,

Hear you

Feel you

While I take

time to be

With you

Letting Go Made Room For Insecurities

Fiction: Short Story Thursday

Slowly, his fingers slide between mine. My body melted in his embrace. Unwilling, my lips left his. My boyfriend held my face and whispered, “I must go.” He neared, nibbled my ear, then said, “I’ll call you.” He pulled away.

Speechless, I stare into his brown eyes.

He took a step back, blew me a kiss and got in his car.

My lips trembled. My heart raced. I couldn’t speak. Don’t go.

With his Volkswagen packed, he drove away.

His promise, “I’ll call you” splashed on my soul like an ice-cold shower, awakening insecurities. What if he doesn’t call? What if he never return? What if he meets another girl in grad school? Why didn’t I say, I love you?  Tears draped my eyes, I tightened my fists. His hands no longer in mind. I grasped the hope that he will come back and I will not be abandoned. 

A Box Marked – For Later

I keep a box in my heart and I almost used it today.

This morning my body whispered, “It’s a good day to stay in bed and sleep a little longer.” But the morning fog pulled me outside where I came face to face with a fear I haven’t over come. It was then when I realized, why I wanted to stay in bed.

Outside, I enjoyed the cool morning air, imagined itsy, bitsy snowflakes lingering about me and took a few pictures before returned home.

With the fear in mind, the end of a topic came to  mind. No beginning or middle, only the end. What ever I was about to write, it will end with acknowledging my fear.

I started my creative writing process. A short post on Instagram, editing  photos, and brain stormed topics for future projects while I ate my breakfast.

Before I sat down to write, I took care of a few shores and thought of how I should start the topic at hand, fear.

But, the idea didn’t develop.

Fist thought was, I’m procrastinating or writers’ block. Soon, I realized,  it was me, I didn’t want to write about the cause of my fear, because it was to real and fresh. I rather tuck it away in my “For later,” mental box.

When, would it be best to write about this topic?

Well, when my jitters would calm and the lump of fear in my throat has been swallowed and digested. Or after the winter snow has melted. Which ever comes first.

In side the ‘Later box,’ are many subjects which I’ refuse to write about. Why? Because, I’m not ready to experience the pain or disappointment again.

Yet, in order to write a compelling, moving piece, the struggle has to be real, not made up. Which means, I have to revisit the pain, the conflict, the experience to give my words life and spring forth feelings in the reader’s heart.

A well written piece, engages the reader’s mind, taps into their feelings and moves their heart. If I accomplish these difficult skills well, then I hope the reader could find resolution for similar circumstances.

Numerous times, I’ve started to write what’s on my heart only to never  finish the article or story. It hangs frozen in my mind. With time it’s forgotten.

Today, I didn’t want this topic to end in the box. So I asked myself a question.

Why do I abandon my ideas?

I  refuse to give a voice to my past struggles, hurts and pain out of fear that they may cripple me again. I remind myself, of who I believe in and how much stronger I am because of Christ in my life.

Remembering the past, is like reliving my life experiences, which some  of those memories, I rather forget. 

Yet, I’m learning that my sufferings have melodies whom some people can identify with. The areas which I’ve grown stronger could possibly help a reader moved forward from their struggle. Once, they understood how they too can face their fears or past hurts with the right help.

Hope, is important for the reader to regain. Therefor, I must have, a beginning, a middle and an end to show how to prevail as one hold on to hope.

Questions I ask myself today:

What am I really afraid of? And why?

Am  I comparing myself with anyone? Is it beneficial?

 

If yes, how did they get where they are?

What struggles did they faced to achieve their reward?

If, I focus only on their success, I’ve missed the essence of their story.

The same is true when I write my stories. If I only write about happiness, I left the reader dissatisfied. For they know, life is not all sweet.  Life is about the challenges as one pursuits happiness.

For we all are seeking ways to surpass, overcome, or hold on. We want to know how to get up when everything within us tells us to sleep our life away for we don’t matter.

One must understand and swallow the bitterness of doing what one doesn’t want to do in order to bring forth the sweetness of success.

I’m ready to seek not only for a strong engaging beginning, but a middle which the reader can identify with and a tangible, realistic, possible ending.

I, as the writer, must face the middle of my work and walk through he treacherous, dark and lonely times without fearing the end. The success of accomplishment.

With that being written, I‘m glad I started my day when I did, or else I wouldn’t have finished this blog today.

What about you, my friend? Where did you find yourself this morning, later in the day or maybe this evening? What were you avoiding and why? Are you willing to search your soul and face the truth? Don’t forget to call on God for help.

If you’re still in your robe, pick up your will and accomplish one thing. May that one task lead to another and then another and another. if not today, maybe tomorrow. Before you know, you’ll arrived at the end  of your task, and have faced your fear.

I acknowledge, I wasn’t avoiding pain, I was afraid of success.

Even though, I belief that I can do all things through Christ who strengths me, I still struggle with being successful.

I not only acknowledge what I’m afraid of, but I didn’t hide it away.

Without a doubt, I will finish my stories.  

Maybe, this article will act as a compass for you and guide you to arrive to your truth of why you are not getting out of bed in the mornings or finishing your project.

What are you avoiding?