Until

How many times do I need to tell you . . .?

You’re beautiful!

Until, I am.

 

You’re not over weight!

Until, I am not.

 

You’re able.

Until, I can.

 

You can let go.

Until, I’m safe.

 

You can do this.

Until, I’m accomplished.

 

You’re forgiven.

Until, all my guilt is gone.

 

You can trust me.

Until, I can truly surrender.

 

Father continue to remind us, of all these possibilities, your promises. Every time our insecurities show up, may we run into your arms before lies chisel us into ice sculptures.

As for the lies we have believed, evaporate them at the touch of your hand, at the sound of your truth and at the warmth of your love. Please, remold us to live the life you’ve given us through your Son’s sacrifice. And, when the pest of lies return, which they will, help us come into your presence.

“The Lord is good. He is a safe place to go to in times of trouble. He takes care of those who trust him.”

Nahum 1:7 ERV

Advertisement

Standing Firm

STANDING FIRM ~ means to recall the truth and anchoring my soul to the freedom I have in Christ, my Lord.

When the wind of setbacks comes, bringing the yoke of slavery, I’ll stand firm on God’s promises.

Then, in Christ, past burdens of insecurities and doubts will be blown, right passed my heart and mind.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
– Galatians 5:1 NIVSta

Conversing With Self

Hurry! Go.  My soul whispered.

I rushed to where the fire danced and popped. It seemed unreal. Mesmerized, I squatted. In my mind, I stepped into the cozy hot coals. The bitter winter cold vanished even though the ruby-red flames contrasted against the grand gray snowy mountains around me.

Sounds from people, family and friend diminished. Mesmerized by the fluorescent red coals, I existed alone. While the fire burned, I listened within myself.

Self: “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Me: Yes, like a ruby melting and reforming. If only I could stay here and write.

Self: “What would you write about?”

Me: “I’m not sure, for I haven’t been able to continue writing my stories. Silent, they hang on the tips of the roof of my mind like ice-cycles. I’m afraid they will melt and vanish one day. I will be left with the knowledge that I once had unfinished stories.”

Self: “Why do you suppose, they are no longer speaking to you?”

Me: “Not sure. Many times, I’ve quiet myself and sat in front of my lap top and nothing, not one peep. The only sound I hear is of an unseen ocean with my beating heart out there drifting on a boat.”

Self: “Why have you distance your heart from your stories? What are you afraid of?”

Me: “I’ve not distant my heart, wait, do you think I did this? No, I didn’t place my heart out in the ocean.”

Self: “Lidia, be real. Be truthful. See, your heart. You are the only one who can place your heart out in the ocean. Look out there for the boat. Don’t look away. Your fear could be telling you truth. You are afraid of truth. That’s why you allowed your heart to drift from your stories.”

Me: “Fear lies.”

Self: “Not all fear lies. This fear of yours is true. You’re not a good writer. Yet you are a good story-teller. Focus on the story, Lidia, just like your friends tell you.”

Me: “I’m tired of not writing well. I want to have a well written story, but my enthusiasm dies too soon after I get started.”

Self: “You have to learn to keep writing when the energy of the idea runs out. Don’t allow your story to become foreign to your own heart. Keep it close to you, pluck scenarios, story lines, details, thoughts and feelings of the character even if they may never make into the story. You have to keep the story alive. That’s your job. It’s your baby. If you don’t feed it, it will vanish. Now, start the fire and allow your story ice-cycles to melt and flow again. You have been given a gift to tell stories like no one else. Write and let someone else correct your errors. You will not create a perfect story. No one can, not alone. But you can crank on your generator.”

Me: “But, my fingers won’t move.”

Self: “Yes, your finger and thoughts will be stiff because of the cold of not being perfect. But, in no time the heat will get going and your thoughts will flow the story will breath and pump red blood again. Once it thaws out, details will drop into your mind as the ice-cycle melts. Get the page ready to catch the ideas. Remember, as you keep telling stories, your writing will become stronger.”

Me: “Thank you, for the talk.”

Self: “Don’t worry, I will remind you again, when I see that you’ve removed your heart for your stories. You are not just writing for others, but for me, self.”

Footsteps crunched the snow behind me. I came back to my surroundings. I heard my husband distant voice, “Are you coming and sledding or are you staying.”

With a smile, I answered, “I’m coming.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started this blog back in December, and it wasn’t until today that I was able to finish it. It’s a major accomplishment for me. I’ve struggled with my writing for over a year. There are at least twelve unfinished stories on my files and I can’t seem to finish any one of them. From this self-reflection, I’ve learned that it wasn’t fear that kept me from my stories, instead it was truth.

Writing my blog posts, have been a great exercise to build my confidence and improve my writing skills. With short entries, I have less misspell words, less grammar errors and less wrong word usage. I still get wordy, but my skills are improving alongside my belief in my abilities to give what’s in my heart a voice.

To write a book, it’s much more challenging and difficult than a blog. But, if I can treat each couple of pages as a blog post, I might get myself going again and finish my next book. Now which of the twelve stories should I start constructing again?

Maybe, I will blog about my journey as I write my next book.

To be continued . . .

 

 

 

 

The Dangers of holding Yourself Back

Stifling Dreams Create Nightmares

What talent am I suffocating, because of what if it takes off?

What ability am I quenching, because of what others may think of me?

What inspiration am I killing, because of what if it succeed?

Stifling our creativity harms not only ourselves, but those whom would have benefited from our work.

In a sense, we are not only killing our growth by withholding inspiration from the world around us, but we are keeping ourselves in the darkness of hopelessness.

Breakthroughs from stifle thinking, not only brings dreams alive, but give light for many other souls to hope again through our gifts, talents and works.

Be creative, spread insight, possibilities and imagination.

Allow your dream to take flight.

Letting Go Made Room For Insecurities

Fiction: Short Story Thursday

Slowly, his fingers slide between mine. My body melted in his embrace. Unwilling, my lips left his. My boyfriend held my face and whispered, “I must go.” He neared, nibbled my ear, then said, “I’ll call you.” He pulled away.

Speechless, I stare into his brown eyes.

He took a step back, blew me a kiss and got in his car.

My lips trembled. My heart raced. I couldn’t speak. Don’t go.

With his Volkswagen packed, he drove away.

His promise, “I’ll call you” splashed on my soul like an ice-cold shower, awakening insecurities. What if he doesn’t call? What if he never return? What if he meets another girl in grad school? Why didn’t I say, I love you?  Tears draped my eyes, I tightened my fists. His hands no longer in mind. I grasped the hope that he will come back and I will not be abandoned. 

Ragging Battles of my Mind

Fears, doubts, insecurities, and a spirit of timidity barged in my mind, breaking through my gates of belief, confidence and assurance. Across from where I sit to write, plots of their dirty scams scattered on the table and stare into my soul.

*

A mental conflict begins. Somehow, false ideas match my current internal struggles. I grasps for what is true. Before the misguided concepts settle in my heart, I compare my thoughts with the words of God. It is then when a ragging war begins. These nagging thoughts make me question my ambition and ability.

*

Do you have days and nights battling negative thoughts and feelings about yourself?

Well, I do. More often than not.

These ideas and feelings break through my security system, blind siding me, stopping the flow of being creative and the result is, no writing.

They rob me from the confidence which God has placed in me.

Well, you may think, I’m weak, and at times I am, especially when the drama of life has depleted me. Then again, it’s not if I’m weak or strong, it’s the goal which I’ve set before me. It is being hindered.

These negative depleting feelings and thoughts want to reconquer a part of me which I’ve taken from them. Grenades of false accusation explode leaving me fragmented and incoherent.

These mental war are powerful and can be very damaging. With the Lord’s help these wars can be won. But the enemy returns with reinforcements emphasizing past inconsistencies and failures.

Let me stop right here and tell you of a security system which is guarding my mind and heart as I type these words from these predators. It’s the Holy Spirit and the truth of the verse below.

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” NIV 2 Timothy 1: 7

Over and over again, I’ve reached within my knowledge and grasp truths much like this verse and fought false beliefs, made out of puffs of smoke. And that’s what they are, nothing. But why do they come? Or why does God allow me to face them again and again?

Well, for me, God is showing me that even though I know the truth and I practice the truth there is still a part of me which believes a lie. It’s like a ticking time bombs which blows up my wall of progress when I’m on a roll.

Believe me, when they go off, they rattle my world. leaving me baffled with ringing in my ears. It takes time to clean up the mess. To be truthful,  there are times I can’t pick-up where I left off. Because, the bombing destruction left me incoherent. In time, I start where I find myself and keep going with what was salvageable.

When the verse, 2 Timothy came to my attention, I picked up four concepts from the rumble of my last bombing, timidity, power, love and self-discipline.

Now, why would I have picked up timidity? To study and recognize the enemy’s tactics. It’s a weapon which I’m not aware of its full usage. I need to set my warning lights for the next time these lies come to do war with me.

Timidity – lack in self-assurance, courage, bravery, easily alarmed, timorous, shy

Timorous – full o fear, timid

When the spirit of timidity comes and does war with me, I know to hold up God’s scepter of boldness to demonstrate where my confidence lies. I will rely on this truth again and again and again as I keep the following verses in mind.

“Do not be afraid of him, declares the Lord, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands.” NIV Jeremiah 42:11

“For you did not received a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba Father.”” NIV Romans 8:15

Truths to battle timidity, the Lord is with us, he will save us and delivers us. If we have accepted Jesus, his son, as our savior, then we are children of Abba Father and no longer slaves to fear. I am a daughter of the Most High and I’m a fearless. 

Yet, fear will bring its heavy chains with him when he comes to try to imprison me again.

The second things I take a strong hold of is power. Not my power, but God’s power. Yet how does one posses God’s power? God’s power comes with and through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit empowers me with godly wisdom and knowledge. Again, I will rely on the truth of the word of God as I walk away from present insecurities.

“The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him – the spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the  spirit of knowledge and of the fear of Lord -.” NIV Isaias 11:2

“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, who sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize yo with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” NIV Matt. 3:11

Third concept to take a hold of is Love. One fact I know to be true, after the war, whether I am victorious or depleted, love for self and possibly for my Lord has been damaged. It’s difficult to keep on task when one doesn’t feel loved by anyone, God or self.

As any soldier knows, one comes home with flashbacks. For me these flashbacks usually deal with the lack of self-love. Or not feeling as if I’m worthy of the gift God gave me. The gift of story telling.

I must put on love. This love is the love of God for me and for what I have been equipped to do. With love, belief is real and the task before me is possible.

“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” NIV Psalm 23:6

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that yo may be able to discerned what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day or Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” NIV Phil 1:9

I will hold the shield of faith over my heart, for I know who loves me and never will leave me. Therefore, I will finish well.

The hardest one to pick-up and take with me is discipline. Self governing to sit and write is not challenging for me, it’s fun. It is something I enjoy. But duties and people begin to nibble on my thoughts and soon I feel guilty. The desire to write is gone, for I feel I don’t deserve the pleasure it gives me.

To go and write every day, at the same time in spite of circumstance, is naturally challenging, because of our travels. Not only do I deal with the battles I’ve mentions above, but the mental block which come with the field of writing, family emergencies, an abrupt change of schedules. Then theirs the days of sick leave one must take.

Dealing with insecurities, fears, and doubt are redundant battles and not worth my time. Yet, I must deal with the one lie, to get to the ultimate truth. I will face this, fainthearted, which haunts me day and night.

Now, I posses arrows of truth to draw from and fight the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy my zest for writing stories. I tied feathers to my scepter of boldness to remember the truths which has help me be victorious and conquered truths about myself. These feathers will remind me of the past battles which the Lord and I won together. Soon, I will add another feather.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness a peace for those who have been trained by it.” NIV Heb 12:11

“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” NIV Prov. 15:32

Self-discipline is self-governing or self-control, is something I’m responsible for, but the discipline of the Lord come through the Holy Spirit. I must allow God’s Spirit of discipline to train me.

“Since an overseer is entrusted with God’s work, he must be blameless-not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-control, upright, holy and disciplined. he must hold firmly to the  trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.” Titus 1:7-9

Today I move forward in faith, for this battle has been won. I go, my work waits.

I am a fighter, one who doesn’t give up easily. Success is just around the bend and I’m coming to greet the end of my next novel.

I wrote these thoughts for myself as well as anyone else who is struggling to finish what they have started. Keep in mind, the work we do brings glory to God.

Further reading on what hinders the work of God, click Tactics.

Mountain Tops

 

❄PEEK AN INTEREST?❄
°
To many people, a mountain peak is just another high point.

But, for me each mountain top has its unique style, presence and lessons to teach.

I don’t have to physically climb to the tip to discover my limits and struggles.

By meditation, observations and awareness the mountain can teach me to be aware of false limits, over looked risks, and fears which are hindering my climb.

Confidence of achievement is nothing to be a shame about as long as I remember the following things.

If a peak of recognition comes my way, always give thanks, recognize those who help along the way and stay humble for it’s very easy to slip and fall. For, only a few are given such opportunity and aloud to stay at such heights.

When God grants me a spot on top, I should open the list of names who help me climbed and give them recognition and gratitude.

MOUNTAIN PEAKS AREN’T ALWAYS MADE BY NATURE.
❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄

No Easy Flow

Many times when I have time to write, all my ideas become clogged and nothing seem to flow. Today, I had a great desire to write my experiences as I drove around Alaska and describe the beauty I saw. Something hindered my language of creativity and nothing came to mind.

Words appeared on my computer scream and I immediately delete them. They had no substance, no meaning, no message. Then I thought, I will try to write about my immediate dilemma. Even trying to explain my struggle to write something became difficult. The stream of words that rang true were not found. Well, here goes something.

Words come, but to string the concepts to represent a coherent idea doesn’t always flow well.

For me, writing is a river of words when the theme, story, or my imagination is in full force in me, the river goes and goes and goes. My ideas erupt with ease from feelings, desires, dreams and daydreams. But, more often than not, the flow of my writing becomes hindered by the many boulders of insecurities, doubts, inefficiencies, weakness, fears and self doubt.

I must learn from a true master, I photographed. A river.

The water flowed fast over the small and scattered boulders. Where the medium chunks of rock sat, the river slowed, yet it moved along. But, when the water came to huge slices of mountain rocks the river trickled, finding narrow passage to get to the other side. The river never stood still as long as the water kept coming from its origin.

I must trickle my words on paper or on the computer screen until the narrow thought joins with the medium or fast flow of my ability to pluck away my thoughts coherently.

Never give up, until the river dries up.

When the river dries, find particles of dirt that clump together to form clusters of dry ground. Allow them to give way to a different style of writing.

 

 

 

 

Nature ~ Where My Heart Flutters and My Cares Flee

 

My place of refuge

Nature is where I go when my soul needs wings, when my mind needs clarity and my spirit in in desperate need of a higher lift.

Chains of troubles, concerns and hurts are not only heavy and enslaving, but they are entangled with doubts, fears and lies. They do not allow breaths of joy, assurance or confidence to enter my soul.

 Being out in creation, my lungs expand to the point my chest feels an ache. My shoulders relax releasing the tension from my back. And my neck straightens lifting my chin. The chains break off and my steps become light again.

What is true soon comes to view.

It is then that I know I’m not alone. Evidence appear of the unseen steps beside me. God has been walking silently ahead of me. He waits for me to realize the cause of the pain, the lack of trust from the concern and the troubles of heartbreaks.

At times, my eyes drown in sorrow distorting my sight. But, Gently, God wipes my tears away and a peaceful hush comes before His Spirit whisper is heard.

Like a calm wind, He speaks, “Listen, Truth will rebuild you. But be prepare for it may bring more pain.

Be aware, in-spite of the dangers of this world, there’s an unseen power which deceives and destroys the will to go on, allowing death to take the rotting soul.

Yet, Hope appears to anyone who seeks the One who nature depends on.”

God always meets me in nature, where I see with my heart and hear with my soul for my actual eyes and ears are limited.

God’s creation is where my heart flutters and my cares fly away.

 

Note ~ all pictures were taken by me in Alaska, from Seward to Northeast of Palmer along highway 1.

 

BLANCHED DAY

Have you ever had a day where the color of life has been washed out?

It feel as if one has no reason to get out of bed, go for a walk, take a picture, write a line or see anyone.

I‘ve had my blanched days. It matter not what colors exist around me. I can’t even seem to squeeze a drop of mellow yellow into my half-fill glass of life.

All I can do is wait and pray for the blood of color to flush back into my soul and I can feel happy once more.

In the mean time, I breath and exhale as I do my duties, feeling powerless and all alone.

Sometimes, Im not sure why I go through pale days for I have no real reason to feel this way. Then a moment comes when something grater than me reveals the purpose, that it’s to understand and then help a friends or a family member when they experience similar lifelessness days.

The goodness of living out my day without color is, the desire to persevere actually grows and I become an overcomer again.

For I knows what colorful days are like and what they bring, which is much more than a reason to only exist.

It may be tomorrow, but eventually a rainbow of colors will flush into my empty soul and the purpose to love returns, empowering my will to live on.

Even thou I wish these days would never come again, I know they will. But when they come with a full force of oppression, I will bring out my stepping stones of reliance in the faith that has pulled me through knowing this day and time will come to an end.

My hope lies in the One who brings life from a seed to create beautiful color around me.